


Downloading Pornography Can Lead to Computer Viruses and Strained Relationships

by writing_in_the_dark



Category: Gintama
Genre: Comedy, Drama, M/M, Rare Pairings, Tama Quest arc references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-02-22 23:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13177236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_in_the_dark/pseuds/writing_in_the_dark
Summary: Tama is sick, and Gengai enlists Hijikata’s help to fix her. Too bad Hijikata never watched the Tama Quest arc, otherwise he might have known that the Leukocyte King isn’t normally a huge flirt.





	1. You Should Go Back and Watch All the Episodes You Weren't In

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place before Gintama gets all sad and serious but after the Soul Switch arc (though you really only need to have gotten through the Tama Quest arc for things to make sense).

Hijikata is patrolling the streets of Edo, when he approaches Gengai’s workshop. After that debacle with having to live Yorozuya’s life for a while, he’s not exactly the old man’s biggest fan. He plans to walk past the building, avoiding interaction, but the old man calls out from the shop’s entryway, “Demon Vice-Chief!”

Hijikata is not thrilled that he has to talk to him, but he stops anyway.

“I’m glad you came by,” Gengai says, “I need your help.”

Hijikata’s mind scrambles to come up with an excuse to get away, but stops when Gengai explains further.

“Tama has fallen ill.” Hijikata follows Gengai into the shop, where he sees the green-haired robot, lying dormant on the floor. “Ginnoji and the kids are out of town, or else I would ask them for help.”

Tama had put forth a lot of effort to help Hijikata and Gintoki get back into the correct bodies when they were switched, so Hijikata is genuinely upset to see her in this state. “What’s wrong with her?” he asks.

“The old lady said she was acting strangely for a couple of days, getting flirty with the customers, then she just passed out and wouldn’t come to. I suspect it’s something she ate.”

Hijikata takes a moment to try to comprehend that statement. “She eats?”

“Not normally, no, but the old lady said she caught Tama a couple times, trying to eat obsolete technology; you know, DVD players and such.”

Hijikata can’t imagine what he could possibly do for a robot who is sick from eating outmoded electronics. “What can I do to help?”

“Ask for the Leukocyte King. He should know what to do.”

Hijikata fails to notice Gengai’s massive robot creeping up behind him, holding a massive mallet. Before he finishes the sentence, “Who the hell is the Leukocyte King?” the mallet comes down on him and sends up a cloud of smoke.

When the smoke clears, he is disoriented and has a huge bump on his head. His surroundings look familiar, but way too big. His eyes go wide with shock when a gigantic Gengai bends down, picks him up, and places him in a bowl.

As Gengai carries the bowl over to Tama, Hijikata curses at him, “Hey, old man! What the hell is going on? What have you done to me now? Put me back to normal!”

Gengai stoops down next to Tama, pulls her jaw down to open her mouth, and tilts the bowl. Hijikata slides out of the bowl and into Tama’s mouth, and the bowl soon follows.

 

\------------------------------------

 

Hijikata floats down a river of sorts, with the bowl serving as a boat. After what seems like at least an hour, he finally spots ‘shoreline,’ for lack of a better word. The bowl comes to a stop when it meets the shore. As he climbs out of the bowl, he hears a yell, “Stop right there!”

Soon he is surrounded by what look like men in white bodysuits, each pointing a spear at him. The one who had initially yelled for him to stop now commands one of the others, “Send a message to the King! Let him know we have captured an intruder!”

Hijikata hears the word “King” and thinks back to Gengai’s words. Addressing the one who keeps yelling, he asks, “The Leukocyte King?” He sees from the reactions of the bodysuit-wearing men that he is correct. “Take me to him,” he demands, making good use of his intimidating voice.

Immediately, the men withdraw their spears, and all begin walking in the same direction, away from the shoreline. Hijikata follows them. After they’ve walked for a while, he asks one of the men, “Where are we going?”

The man answers, “You invoked your right to an audience with the King.”

Hijikata wonders how simply demanding an audience with a King results in being given an audience, but he thinks better than to look a gift horse in the mouth. After some more walking, they arrive at a village. The village looks like something out of an RPG, and Hijikata finds himself wishing Tosshi had been a game otaku instead of an anime otaku. They enter a building, and inside the building, they enter a throne room.

Before Hijikata can get a look at who’s on the throne, one of the bodysuit men shoves him down onto his knees and yells at him, “Bow before your King!” The man then addresses the King, “My King, this intruder has invoked his right to an audience with Your Majesty.”

“Thank you. Please leave us,” responds a voice that Hijikata finds familiar but can’t quite place. The bodysuit men leave the room and shut the doors. Hijikata stays prostrated, but he can hear the King walking toward him. “Please, stand up,” the familiar voice says to Hijikata.

Hijikata stands, and he has to blink several times before he can believe what he sees in front of him. “You? How are you in here?” he asks, in confusion.

“Ah, I see. You are confusing me with Sakata Gintoki. Your confusion is understandable, but I am not he. I am the Leukocyte King.”

Hijikata believes what the man tells him. He seems much more serious and far less annoying than Gintoki. Plus, his eyes aren’t a creepy red color. Hijikata bows and stumbles through introducing himself, “Um, My King, I am Hijikata Toushirou.”

Suddenly, the Leukocyte King takes Hijikata in a hug. The King speaks softly into his ear, “You must have been sent to help Tama-sama. Thank you so much for coming. She’s not at all well, and I’ve been very worried about her.”

The hug lingers a couple moments too long for Hijikata’s comfort, but the King finally releases him. He can only assume the King is just a really huggy guy normally. “That’s right, I’m here to help Tama,” he responds, trying to act unfazed by the body contact.

“What can you tell me about her condition?” the King asks, with concern.

“Apparently, she had been acting strangely, flirting with her employer’s customers, and then she collapsed,” Hijikata regurgitates the information Gengai had told him, “She may have eaten some electronics that made her ill.”

Those words seem to register with the King, and he says, “Then I think I know what the issue is. I have heard reports of foreign electronics interfaced with Tama-sama’s systems, near one of her kidneys.”

Hijikata thinks about asking why a robot has kidneys, but instead, he asks, “Are, um, her kidneys far away?”

“Yes. It is a long journey to the kidneys.” The King becomes completely serious and addresses Hijikata, “If you are a companion of Sakata Gintoki’s, you must be a brave warrior. Will you join me on my journey?”

Hijikata thinks the King seems overly-dramatic enough to be an NPC in an RPG. He decides to mirror the seriousness. “I will,” he says.

“Thank you!” the King practically squeaks, as he latches his arms around Hijikata’s neck, hugging him again. The hug is brief, but Hijikata swears he felt lips on his ear for a moment there. Back to being serious, the King asks, “Are you ready to set out?”

Hijikata nods, though he’s not looking forward to a long journey with a guy who can’t seem to decide if he’s a serious-warrior type or hyper-teenage-girl type.

The King lets one of his men know where they are going, and the man fetches them two packs of supplies. After they leave the RPG-esque village, they cross various terrain, including areas that look like desert or jungle, but with metal walls and cables running everywhere. They speak very little during their hours of journey. During the times when they are able to walk side-by-side, Hijikata feels like the King is a little too close, like he’s intentionally causing their arms and sometimes hands to brush against each other.

When they reach an area that looks like plains, the King stops and sets down his pack. “We should make camp here for the night,” he says.

“I’m fine,” Hijikata protests, “Let’s keep going.”

The King steps up to Hijikata and cups one side of his face with a hand. With care in his eyes, he says, “Toushirou, you need your rest.”

The King withdraws his hand and takes the pack off of Hijikata’s back. He then begins laying out their sleeping bags. Hijikata relents with a displeased grunt and takes off his jacket. The bags are a lot closer to each other than Hijikata would like them to be, so he moves his a comfortable distance away before lying down. He worries that the King is going to move his bag closer, but the King lies down without moving the bag. Being whacked over the head with a giant mallet must have tired Hijikata out, because he falls asleep quickly.

Some hours later, Hijikata wakes up. The first thing he notices is that he feels refreshed. The second thing he notices is an arm that doesn’t belong to him, draped across his chest. The arm is attached to a body that is verily plastered to the side of his body. To his irritation, also attached to the body is a face that looks exactly like Sakata Gintoki’s face. Hijikata pushes the King away, which wakes the King.

The King gives Hijikata a bleary-eyed smile. “Good morning. How did you sleep?” he asks, in the kind of tone you’d use if you were trying to get some morning action from the person you banged the night before.

Hijikata is tempted to punch the King in the face, but he knows he can’t get out of here without his help, so he grits his teeth and says, as calmly as possible, “Good morning.” He’s not sure how much more of this flirty Gintoki-lookalike he can put up with, so he asks, “How much farther do we have to go?”

“Not far,” the King answers, pointing toward a hill that appears to be a ten-minute walk away.

“Over that hill?” Hijikata asks.

“Inside the hill.”

Hijikata thinks he might burst a blood vessel and die on the spot. He tries to reel in his temper, so that he won’t scream, as he asks, “Why did we make camp for the night if we only had another ten-minute walk before we arrived at our destination?”

“You looked exhausted. Both of us needed to be well-rested before we take on the task that lies ahead of us.”

Hijikata is still annoyed, but he can’t really argue with the King’s logic. “What do we have to do once we get there?” he asks.

“I won’t know for sure until I see it.”

They break camp and begin walking again. As they approach the hill, Hijikata sees a metal door in the side of the hill. He hopes it won’t be difficult to get in. His hopes come true when the King walks up to the door, turns the handle, and pulls it open. Immediately inside the door is a long hallway. The end of the hallway opens into a massive room, filled with computer banks and cables. The two men quietly take a couple steps into the hallway, and the King closes the door behind them. 

Hijikata opens his mouth to ask another question, when the King suddenly pushes Hijikata up against the wall of the hallway and puts two fingers over Hijikata’s mouth, as if he’s trying to keep them quiet and out of sight from some unseen danger. The fingers slowly brush across Hijikata’s lips.

The King looks Hijikata in the eyes and closes the distance between their faces. Their lips gently come together. At any other time, Hijikata wouldn’t be letting this happen, but he has no idea what they will face once they get into that room. For all he knows, neither of them is going to make it out of this alive.

The King parts his lips, and Hijikata follows suit. The tips of their tongues touch and they both close their eyes. Hijikata puts his hands around the King’s shoulders. Their tongues dip farther into each other’s mouths, slowly exploring. The King puts his hands on the small of Hijikata’s back and pushes their bodies even closer together. Hijikata is aroused, and if what he can feel of the crotch pressed up against his is any indication, so is the King.

Hijikata makes the mistake of opening his eyes. When he catches sight of a face that is indistinguishable from Gintoki’s, he breaks the kiss. The King’s aqua eyes open. “What’s wrong?” he asks Hijikata.

Trying to catch his breath, Hijikata answers, “I can’t do this.”

The King puts a little bit of space between their bodies and says, “That’s okay. You came for Tama-sama, not for me. Thank you again for helping.” He gently runs his fingertips across the side of Hijikata’s face. “Are you ready to rid Tama-sama’s body of what’s been making her ill?”

Still flushed from kissing, Hijikata nods resolutely.

The King strides out into the large room and walks around it, stopping periodically to look at an electronic component. Hijikata stays on-guard for signs of attack or other threats. “Here it is,” the King says. He pushes aside a bunch of cables to reveal a gigantic early-generation smartphone, nearly twice as tall as himself.

It takes Hijikata a moment to realize that the phone is normal size and only looks large because he is so small right now. Actually, the scale of everything inside Tama seems off to him, but he decides it will do no good to continue thinking about it. He also wonders how a phone she ingested ended up near her kidneys, but he decides not to worry about that either.

The King climbs up on top of some cables, so he can reach the phone’s screen. He swipes and taps several times, before saying, “I believe I have found the source of the problem.”

He taps one more time, and a video starts playing. A woman, clad in a sexy leather outfit, complete with full-length gloves and thigh-high boots, is striking a bound, middle-aged man in the back with a cat o’ nine tails whip.

“How dare you get hard while I’m meting out your punishment, pig!” the woman reprimands, lashing him again.

The man moans and begs, “I’m sorry, Queen! Please, punish me more!”

“Turn it off!!!” Hijikata yells.

The King hits the phone’s home button, and the video disappears from the screen.

“What the hell?” asks Hijikata, “How is a porno the source of Tama’s illness?”

“It seems the previous owner of the phone had downloaded several pornographic videos, and once the phone was ingested and became connected to Tama-sama’s systems, the content of the videos influenced her actions; hence her strange behavior toward her employer’s patrons. One of the downloads also infected the phone and, by extension, Tama-sama’s systems with a computer virus, which is what caused her to become non-responsive.”

“What do we have to do to get her back to normal?”

The King unplugs the cable connecting the phone to Tama’s systems and looks at Hijikata.

Hijikata can’t think of anything to say. Finally, he says in an annoyed tone, “That’s it?!”

“Yes. Now that the source of the virus is no longer attached to Tama-sama’s systems, my fellow Leukocytes should be able to dispatch it handily.”

Hijikata is certain several throbbing veins are visible on his face. He practically screams, “What was all that back there in the hallway?! You acted like we were in danger!”

“I apologize, Hijikata-san. The pornographic content was influencing my actions.”

Hijikata is seething. “You kept touching me on purpose yesterday, didn’t you? And stopping to camp for the night was just an excuse to sleep next to me, wasn’t it?”

“I’m afraid so. Again, I apologize.”

The King seems sincere enough, and Hijikata knows he’s only as upset as he is because he’s ashamed of his own actions. Nervously running his fingers through his hair, he says in an apologetic tone, “D-Don’t worry about it. We did what we came here to do.”

“We did,” the King responds, “Thank you for your assistance. My judgment was impaired, and I wouldn’t have been able to protect Tama-sama properly if not for you.”

“Well,” Hijikata says, reluctantly accepting the gratitude, “I’m glad I could help. Now, how do I get out of here?”

 

\------------------------------------

 

When Hijikata gets back out of Tama and is normal size again, his first concern is making sure Gintoki doesn’t find out what happened. He only gives Gengai the bare minimum of details, not even telling him he met the Leukocyte King, so he won’t hear about what happened from him, but he’s still afraid Gintoki will somehow be able to sense it.

Having no better way to deal with the situation, he simply avoids Gintoki entirely, which is easier said than done when his duties take him into Kabukicho. Day and night, Hijikata’s mind dwells on what happened. Repeatedly, he thinks back to the kiss he shared with a man who looks just like Gintoki. He could kick himself for allowing it to happen. If he had known it was only happening because the other party was acting under an external influence, he would for sure have stopped it.

The longer he thinks about what happened, the questions that arise become more disturbing. Even though the Leukocyte King was not his normal self at the time, was he actually attracted to Hijikata? Or would he have kissed just anybody? The Leukocyte King was clearly based on Gintoki, but how much personality do they have in common? Specifically, if the Leukocyte King was attracted to Hijikata, does that mean Gintoki is as well? For that matter, Hijikata can’t deny that he enjoyed the kiss. Does that mean he is attracted to Gintoki? Did the kiss reveal feelings previously hidden in Hijikata’s heart?

Even more disturbing than any of these introspective questions, though, is the question of what that sadistic asshole would do if he ever found out Hijikata kissed a man who looks just like him. He would probably hold it over his head forever.

After a week of his mind running on overdrive, Hijikata is far more stressed out than normal and running low on sleep. He knows he can’t go on much longer in this state, but he doesn’t know what to do about it, other than continue to smoke an increasing number of cigarettes every day.

His luck in avoiding Gintoki runs out when he is confronted in an alley while on patrol. “You’ve been avoiding me,” Gintoki says to Hijikata.

Hijikata feels his blood pressure spike. “No, I just don’t frequent pachinko parlors and whore houses,” he retorts, “Avoiding your favorite seedy establishments isn’t the same thing as avoiding you.”

With his usual annoying deadpan look, Gintoki ignores Hijikata's reply and says, “I heard you had a fun little journey into Tama. How did it feel to be inside a woman for the first time in years?”

Hijikata tries to match Gintoki’s insult. “If there hadn’t been a nasty perm bastard in there, it would have been just fine.”

Gintoki’s deadpan look turns to a grin, and Hijikata realizes his mistake. “Oh~?” Gintoki asks, with interest, “You met that handsome guy? Did you fall in love at first sight?”

Hijikata clenches his jaw so hard, it feels like his teeth are going to crumble to dust. A word drips angrily from his mouth, “Bastard.”

Hijikata turns to walk away, but Gintoki grabs his arm to stop him. “Oi, oi. No need to get upset, Hijikata-kun. I’m not a judgmental guy. I won’t hold it against you that you think of him when you rub one out at ni –”

Suddenly, Hijikata moves, pinning Gintoki to the wall. He can’t deal with his tenuous state of mind any longer, and he decides extreme measures are warranted, to nip the problem in the bud, here and now. With a forearm across Gintoki’s chest, holding him in place, Hijikata crushes his lips against Gintoki’s and slips his tongue into his mouth.

The action catches Gintoki completely off-guard. As soon as he starts kissing back, Hijikata pushes away. With a sneer, Hijikata says, “He’s a better kisser than you are.”

Hijikata walks away, straightening his uniform. As he turns out of the alleyway and onto the street, he sees Gintoki out of the corner of his eye, looking at him, shock still evident on his face. Hijikata is fully aware he may have just traded one problem for another, but he feels better knowing he won’t have to worry about Gintoki finding out anymore. Lighting a fresh cigarette, he goes back to his patrol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading as I once again torture Hijikata.


	2. It's Good to Be (Someone Who Looks Like) the King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gin-san finds out Hijikata and the Leukocyte King shared a kiss. He doesn't know how he feels about it, outside of a greater-than-usual desire to punch the Leukocyte King in the face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to LeMayora, diopan, softprey, 4sea_and_sky, xxanime_lovexx, and lusentoj for requesting a sequel. Sorry it took me seven months to get it done. Alternately, if you hate the sequel, please refer to the aforementioned users; it's their fault.

Gintoki doesn’t like going out of town for work, but sometimes the pay is worth it. Other times, you owe someone a favor, and they call it in by paying you poorly for long hours and hard work on an out-of-town job. At least he had two unwitting employees to take with him, to make the work go faster.

They must be as eager to get back to Edo as he is, because as soon as the lights of the Terminal become visible on the nighttime horizon during their train ride back to the city, Kagura’s tired eyes light up, and she says with a smile, “We’re almost home, Gin-chan!”

All three of the Yorozuya gang are so worn out from their job that they immediately go to sleep when they get to Gintoki’s place. Shinpachi doesn’t even bother going home, instead falling asleep on one of Gintoki’s couches. They sleep like logs for a few hours before they are awoken by the front door being blasted to bits by a flame-throwing-mop-wielding robot.

“Good morning, Sakata Gintoki-sama,” Tama says politely to a room full of smoke, “I am here to collect the rent.”

The smoke clears, and the man who rushed out of his bedroom to see what the explosion was all about is upset to see that the person who was sleeping on his couch has taken the brunt of the explosion and appears to be dead. He gets in Tama’s face and yells, “What’s wrong with you?! You just killed the show’s most popular pair of glasses!”

Ignoring Gintoki’s hysterics, Tama smiles pleasantly and says, “Welcome home, Gintoki-sama.” She then repeats, “I am here to collect the rent.”

“Shut up!” he yells, grabbing her by the collar and shaking her back and forth, “What are you doing, waking me up so early in the morning for rent?! I’m always behind on my rent!!!”

Tama whacks him across the face with her mop handle, causing him to fall onto his ass. He grasps his nose to keep blood from gushing everywhere.

A disoriented Shinpachi stirs from what had appeared to be his final resting-place on the couch and says groggily, “Gin-san? Why are you yelling?”

The closet door slides open, and a bed-headed Kagura rubs her eyes and asks sleepily, “Gin-chan? Why are you making such a fuss first thing in the morning?”

“ _I_ woke you two up?!” he yells, turning his frustration on them. “What about the god of destruction and her reign of early-morning chaos?!” he asks, pointing an accusatory finger at Tama.

“Good morning, Shinpachi-sama, Kagura-sama,” Tama says.

“Good morning, Tama-san,” the children say simultaneously, giving no indication that they’re anything other than happy to see her.

“Tama, is there anything to eat downstairs? I’m starving,” Kagura says, pouting like she hasn’t been fed in days.

“I am certain Otose-sama would be glad to make you some food, _if_ Gintoki-sama,” Tama says, pointing the business end of her weaponized mop at him, “has the rent he owes.”

Gintoki narrows his eyes at her, wipes his bloodied hand off on his pajamas, and begrudgingly retrieves the pay from their job. He tries to hand a portion of it over, but Tama grabs the whole thing.

“Hey! At least leave enough so I can buy _JUMP_ ,” he whines, reaching out for the cash pitifully.

Tama regards the money and says, “You are still behind on rent. I will be back in a week to collect the rest.” Turning around and walking out, she says, “See you downstairs for breakfast.”

The three of them get dressed and step over the debris from the explosion to go downstairs.

“Welcome back,” Otose greets them. She gives Gintoki and Shinpachi each a serving of egg-on-rice and gives the remaining four servings to Kagura.

“Thanks for the meal!” they declare in unison, before devouring the food.

“What did we miss while we were gone?” Gintoki asks Otose.

Though she wasn’t asked, Catherine laughs obnoxiously and answers, “You missed Tama acting like Otose-san runs a hostess club.”

“Catherine, it wasn’t Tama’s fault,” Otose chides her, “She was infected by a computer virus. And it’s not funny; we thought we had lost her.”

Catherine continues to snicker and says, “It would have been her own fault if she had died from eating a cell phone.”

“Eww,” Kagura says, gagging a couple times, “I wouldn’t eat a cell phone, no matter how hungry I was.”

“It was delicious,” Tama says, “but I should have been more careful. From now on, I will make sure to check for pirated digital copies of _The Wood Rises_ first, since it seems they are accompanied by a computer virus.”

“Gin-san bought three copies of the limited special edition Blu-Ray,” Shinpachi says, rolling his eyes, “And he makes fun of the money I spend on Otsu--” He gets cut off when Gintoki shuts him up by smashing his face into the bar, breaking his glasses for the second time in under an hour.

“Ha ha ha,” Gintoki laughs nervously, “He’s confused. I don’t own any pornos… I mean, I’ve never even heard of _The Wood Rises_ … I mean, I might have watched it, but not on purpose… It was for a job!” Wide-eyed, he looks around the room and can see that no one is buying his story. He clears his throat and changes the subject. “So, Tama, how did you get rid of the virus?”

“Gengai-sama told me Hijikata-sama generously assisted him. He found a virus-infected smartphone connected to my internal systems. Once he disconnected the phone, my anti-infection system was able to eliminate the virus.”

“Wait a minute…Hijikata-kun was _inside_ you?” Gintoki asks, hiding his mouth behind a hand as he giggles like a junior high kid at his own phrasing.

“Yes,” Tama answers, either ignorant of or ignoring the sexual innuendo, “I have been hoping to see him, so I can properly express my gratitude. If you see him, can you please let him know I am in his debt?”

“Of course, Tama-san!” Shinpachi answers.

“We’re so happy you’re ok!” Kagura adds.

 

\------------------------------------

 

Gintoki and Hijikata run into each other all the time, so Gintoki figures it will be a matter of a couple days at most before he sees that government dog. But when three days of not seeing him turns into four, and four into five, he wonders if the v-shaped-bangs man is intentionally avoiding him.

After a week, he has seen every Shinsengumi member he knows _except_ Hijikata. He sees Kondou out drinking, and he has dango with Sougo a couple times. He has seen Yamazaki at least once a day, every day, despite it appearing as though Yamazaki is supposed to be undercover in a street gang.

All he wants to do is thank Hijikata, on Tama’s behalf and his, but the man seems to be hiding from him. Gintoki is fed up. He decides he’s going to track one of Hijikata’s more common patrol routes, and if he doesn’t find him there, he will simply go to the Shinsengumi barracks and lie in wait for him in his room.

A couple hours in, Gintoki is tired, hungry, thirsty and pissed off, but he perks right up when he sees a man with dark hair and a Shinsengumi officer’s uniform enter an alley. He picks up the pace to catch up, circles around the building, and enters the alley from the opposite end, walking toward Hijikata. Voice dripping with irritation, he says, “You’ve been avoiding me.”

Hijikata stops, pauses, and then responds, “No, I just don’t frequent pachinko parlors and whore houses. Avoiding your favorite seedy establishments isn’t the same thing as avoiding you.”

Hijikata makes a valid point, but Gintoki still suspects he might have been avoiding him personally. He calmly brings up the topic he had been wanting to discuss with Hijikata. “I heard you had a fun little journey into Tama.” Rather than thank him for helping her, he gives in to the urge to tease Hijikata after going without for so long. “How did it feel to be inside a woman for the first time in years?”

“If there hadn’t been a nasty perm bastard in there, it would have been just fine,” Hijikata retorts.

Hijikata’s comment seems to have been intended as an insult, but it only gives Gintoki further teasing ammunition. He’s so pleased with the free shot that’s been handed to him, he can’t help but grin maniacally and ask, “Oh~? You met that handsome guy? Did you fall in love at first sight?”

“Bastard,” Hijikata curses at him through clenched teeth.

Hijikata turns to leave, but Gintoki isn’t through with him yet. He grabs him by the arm and says patronizingly, “Oi, oi. No need to get upset, Hijikata-kun. I’m not a judgmental guy. I won’t hold it against you that you think of him when you rub one out at ni –”

Gintoki’s teasing is cut off prematurely when Hijikata suddenly slams his back against a wall and pins him there with an arm across his chest. Gintoki mentally prepares himself for a hard punch from a formidable opponent and is completely confused when he instead feels lips against his, followed by a tongue entering his mouth. He has no coherent thoughts; only a compulsion to kiss the man back. However, as soon as he responds to the kiss, Hijikata pushes away and derisively spits the words, “He’s a better kisser than you are.”

Gintoki is shocked by what just happened. His knees go weak. He’s only able to hold himself upright by continuing to lean against the wall behind him. He can do nothing more than watch Hijikata calmly walk out of the alley, straightening his uniform and lighting a cigarette.

His mind is racing. Did Hijikata just turn the tables on him and tease him back? That must have been it. Surely, he was just joking, making him think he had kissed the Leukocyte King. That’s ridiculous. That would never happen, right? He mentally congratulates Hijikata on winning this round of bickering and assures himself that’s all it was. He goes out and gets drunk, to keep himself from thinking about it any further.

Once the hangover clears up the next day, all Gintoki can do is wonder what happened between Hijikata and the Leukocyte King. What if he wasn’t joking about them kissing? He would confront Hijikata about it, but he could easily lie to cover for himself. He will ask Tama instead. He goes downstairs to Otose’s and finds Tama cleaning.

“Good afternoon, Gintoki-sama. Are you here to pay the rest of your past-due rent?” she asks.

“Uh, no,” he answers, “I was actually wondering if you could tell me more about what happened when Hijikata-kun was inside you.”

“I was malfunctioning, so I have no data on that time period. Why do you want to know?”

“Oh, uh… I saw Hijikata-kun yesterday, and I tried to thank him for helping you, but he acted like he hadn’t done anything special,” he lies, “But he did mention that he met the Leukocyte King. Maybe he would know more.”

“I see,” she replies, “I can send a copy of myself into my system, to ask Leukocyte King-sama for more information, if you would like.”

“Sure,” he says casually, “I mean, it would be great if we could properly thank Hijikata-kun for everything he did.”

“I agree. Give me a few moments,” she says. She closes her eyes and holds completely still for about thirty seconds. She then opens her eyes and says, “Would you be willing to come to Gengai-sama’s workshop? He has technology that will allow you to speak with Leukocyte King-sama directly.”

Gintoki jumps at the chance. The more he thinks about it, the less likely it seems that Hijikata was lying. If Hijikata was telling the truth, Gintoki wants to give that doppelganger bastard a piece of his mind. “Lead the way,” he says.

“It will take some time to prepare. Please meet me there in half an hour.”

Even that short wait makes Gintoki antsy. He can’t decide which to insult first: the Leukocyte King’s intelligence, looks, or taste in saliva-swapping partners. Actually, insulting the looks of someone who looks just like you seems like a bad idea; intelligence it is.

When he arrives at Gengai’s workshop, he looks around, trying to ascertain which piece of machinery might be the one they’ll use. He supposes whatever it is, using it will be similar to making a phone call. It would be great if he could confront the King in person, maybe punch him in the face, but that’s obviously not possible. He already went through that whole getting-bashed-over-the-head-and-shrunk thing – twice! – and he has no interest in doing it again.

He is jarred from his rumination when something soft is tossed at the back of his head. He turns around to see what’s going on, and he nearly falls over in shock when he sees himself, wearing only 8-bit-strawberry-patterned boxers, standing in the middle of the workshop. “Give me your clothes,” the near-naked man orders.

Gintoki is unnerved by hearing his own voice come out of someone else's mouth; that is, until he notices the aqua eyes of the speaker and recognizes them as belonging to the Leukocyte King. The identity of the speaker is verified when he looks down at the items that were thrown at him and sees the King’s clothes in a heap on the floor. “You…,” he seethes, “What are you doing here?”

“I’m taking a shift off, and I need you to cover for me,” the King answers.

“That's not what I meant, you Slime! Why are you the size of a real person?!” he demands.

“Don't you know the legend? In the end, the magic mallet turned Issun-boshi from a MiniGuy to normal size,” the King says, gesturing toward his own body dramatically.

Gintoki scowls at the King. “You sound like Sugita Tomokazu narrating a video game cut scene full of clunky exposition.”

“You could use some exposition, moron!” the King shoots back, “You probably thought the mallet was just a gratuitous _Yu-Gi-Oh!_ reference.”

“Ginnoji, you knew the mallet could make you small enough to go inside the Leukocyte King; didn't you realize it could make him your size, too?” Gengai asks, stepping through the doors of his workshop, with Tama and his giant robot Saburou in-tow, “Of course, he wasn't designed to be this size, so he can't stay this way for too long. And we can't leave Tama defenseless, so we're just asking you to go inside her for a few hours.”

“Stop talking about me being ‘inside’ other people,” Gintoki says, then he points at the Leukocyte King, “especially _him_! Selfcest isn't one of my kinks!” He turns to point at Saburou and continues, “And keep that robot and his cursed mallet away from me!” Addressing the King again, he says angrily, “Why should I let you pretend to be me, anyway?!”

“I was affected by the computer virus, just like Tama-sama. I made a fool of myself in front of Hijikata-san, and I owe him a proper apology,” the King answers humbly.

“Please, Gintoki-sama,” Tama pleads, “Leukocyte King-sama is one of my best friends. He works tirelessly to keep me safe and never asks for anything in return. Please help me grant him this one request.”

Tama bows deeply and waits for Gintoki's response. He wants so badly to say no, but Tama has consistently been there for him when he was most in need of support, and he doesn't have the heart to turn her down. Pulling his own hair in a display of agony, he says in an irritated voice, “Uuuughhhh, fiiiine. I better not be stuck in there for more than two hours! And you owe me.”

“I will take you out for a parfait, my treat,” Tama promises.

“No, not you,” Gintoki responds to Tama, disrobing, “ _You_ ,” he glares at the Leukocyte King, “You owe me the full story of what happened between you and Hijikata-kun.”

Deadpan, the King asks, “Are you jealous?”

Gintoki gathers up his own shed clothes and shoves them into the King's chest. “I'm going to beat you senseless when I get out,” he threatens.

With a tense silence filling the room, the two nearly-identical men dress in each other's clothes.

“Are you ready, Ginnoji?” Gengai asks.

Now dressed in the Leukocyte King’s royal garb, Gintoki sighs deeply and closes his eyes. “Let's get this over with.”

Saburou raises the mallet and brings it down on top of Gintoki, sending up a cloud of smoke. The smoke clears, revealing a tiny, regal-looking Gintoki. “Ouch!” he yells, gingerly grasping the huge bump on his head. “You!” he screams at the King, jumping up and down in a tiny temper tantrum, “You aren't worth going through this again!”

Gengai bends down, picks Gintoki up, and drops him in a bowl.

Gintoki continues to scream, “When I’m taller than my Ketsuno Ana figurine again, all three of you are going to pay for this!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Gengai responds dismissively, carrying the bowl over to Tama.

“Thank you for doing this, Gintoki-sama. You’ll be back to making idle threats from your usual height in no time,” Tama says, smiling. Then she opens her mouth, and Gengai dumps Gintoki and the bowl down her throat.

 

\------------------------------------

 

“Ugh, this stupid river of oil again,” Gintoki whines as the bowl floats along, “and I don’t even have a toothpick to use as an oar this time! When I get my hands on that guy, I’m going to shove his own boot up his ass!”

An hour later, Gintoki is still ranting and raving. The bowl comes to a rest when it reaches the shore. “I’m going to wrap my hands around his throat and squeeze until he admits that he’s just a cheap rip-off of me, and then I’m going to shove the boot that isn’t all the way up his ass all the way down his throat!” he declares loudly, dramatically miming his threats.

“Welcome back, Your Majesty,” a man in a white bodysuit says, kneeling alongside a dozen other bodysuit-clad men.

“Aaaughhh,” Gintoki groans, squeezing his temples, trying to hold in his growing headache, “Not you people again!”

Two of the men stand and pull the bowl farther onto the shore. One of them then bows and offers a hand, to assist the ‘King’ out of the bowl.

His mood suddenly improves as he realizes he's being addressed as ‘Your Majesty.’ In short, _he has subjects_. What does he decide to do with his newly-acquired authority? “Take me to the casino,” he orders, in the most grandiose voice he can muster, accepting the man's help and stepping out.

“As you wish, Your Majesty.”

When he arrives at the casino, Gintoki gambles for free, because all the Leukocytes seem to have been led to believe he's their King. He orders food and drink after drink, and everyone waits on him hand and foot.

He feels like he should be basking in the glory of being ‘King,’ but he's too preoccupied to enjoy it. The King's accusation of jealousy runs through his mind, over and over again. He hates to admit it, but the King is right. But he’s confused, because he has no idea why he feels jealous of the Leukocyte King for kissing Hijikata.

First off, Gintoki is straight…ish. Mostly straight. Like, at least 95%... 90%... ok, 85%, at a minimum. Then again, he thought Hijikata was straight, but thinking back on how easily he tongue-kissed him in the alley, it seems like he’s probably not. That might also explain why teasing Hijikata about being attracted to the Leukocyte King made him act angry and defensive.

Ok, so they’re both not completely heterosexual. Still…the Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi? The mayo addict? The man who’s rarely seen without a lit cigarette hanging from his mouth? That’s not exactly the kind of man that Gintoki would find attractive, on the rare occasions when he would choose to be attracted to a man instead of a woman. Zura is much more his type. He’s beautiful. He’s heart-stoppingly gorgeous as Zurako. And have you seen him in a business suit? But Hijikata? He’d look awful cross-dressed, and he has a terrible personality.

So why can’t Gintoki stop thinking about him? No amount of saké seems capable of washing the man from his mind. No amount of sweets overpowers the savory taste of Hijikata’s tongue that still lingers in Gintoki’s mouth.

A level-headed person in Gintoki’s situation would probably conclude that he needs to decide what he wants from Hijikata. Does he want to continue their belligerent friendship? Does he want to see if they could be something more? Or does he just want another chance to prove that he’s a better kisser than that aqua-eyed _Dragon-Quest_ -looking jackass?

Whatever he decides, seeing if it’s possible is probably as easy as having a simple conversation with Hijikata. However, anyone who knows Gintoki knows he’s never level-headed when it comes to his own life choices. He concocts a scheme, which he will execute at his first opportunity, whenever he can get out of here, get back to normal size, and change out of this goddamned costume.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tsudzuku and all that jazz... I'll try not to take another seven months to wrap the story up.


	3. Live-Action Anime Adaptations Are Only Worth Seeing If You Make Out in the Back Row of the Theater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A human-sized Leukocyte King visits Hijikata.  
> When Gintoki is returned to normal size, he and the Leukocyte King have as mature and level-headed of a conversation as you’d expect.  
> Later, Gintoki executes his plan to deal with the feelings he totally doesn’t have for Hijikata.

Hijikata walks out of the alley confident he made the right move. Gintoki looked too shocked to move. It was deeply satisfying to catch a notorious sadist so far off-guard.

However, several hours later, Hijikata lies awake in the middle of the night, still unable to sleep, worrying about the implications of kissing Gintoki. His concern that kissing someone who merely _looks_ _like_ _Gintoki_ might mean he is attracted to Gintoki was bad enough, but now that he has kissed _Gintoki himself_ , it would be hard to make a believable claim he’s not even a little bit attracted to him.

He has to admit, Sakata Gintoki has a lot of good to him. Viewing him superficially, his face isn’t hard on the eyes, except when he’s picking his nose or otherwise being immature and obnoxious. He’s well-built, to the point where it almost makes up for how annoying it is to run into him at the bathhouse. Plus, he’s got a sexy voice, particularly when he’s saying something intelligent or inspiring, which unfortunately doesn’t happen often.

Looking beyond the surface, he allows people to assume he’s lazy, but he has a strong work ethic. He is not vain or materialistic. He doesn’t pay his employees properly, but he doesn’t exactly pay himself well either, which is why his biggest indulgences are strawberry milk and _JUMP_. He takes care of those kids, even though they aren’t his responsibility. The things he cares most about aren’t actually ‘things’; Rather, he cares about the _people_ in his life, and he is ready and willing to fight tooth and nail for them.

Hijikata has never seen Gintoki date anyone, so he can’t say for sure, but he imagines if Gintoki found the right person, he would be as good to them as he is to his kids. He would probably be annoying as hell but also generous and fiercely loyal.

Hijikata doesn’t like admitting Gintoki has any good points, and it only gets worse if he thinks about the Leukocyte King. At first, he thought the King was just like Gintoki, without the worst of his personality traits, which is true to an extent; The King doesn’t pick his nose or pretend to be lazy; He isn’t immature, and he doesn’t have a criminal background. However, by the time they parted ways, Hijikata could see the King isn’t just Sakata Gintoki minus a few flaws; He is his own person. He is brave and caring, and to top it all off, he’s a fabulous kisser.

Hijikata wants to fall asleep and never wake up again when the thought crosses his mind that the Leukocyte King is basically his dream man, if not for their insurmountable size difference. He forcefully pushes the thought out of his head. It’s not worth thinking about, he tells himself, since he’s never going to see the Leukocyte King again. Sakata Gintoki, whom he will most assuredly see again, is burden enough on his mind, without also thinking about that other man who looks like him.

 

\------------------------------------

 

The next day, the Leukocyte King walks down the street, avoiding eye contact with passers-by. Despite wearing that Madao’s ugly clothes and looking nearly identical to him, he’s not confident he could actually pass for Sakata Gintoki if he were to encounter someone who knows him. Luckily, he makes it all the way to his destination without anyone speaking to him, though there is a ninja with red glasses and lavender hair stalking him. He doesn’t let on that he has noticed her, and she doesn’t confront him, thankfully.

Gengai and Tama gave him directions to Hijikata’s place of employment, but they weren’t able to give him any information on the layout of the compound. However, they told him Hijikata holds the title of Vice Chief of the Shinsengumi, so it should be easy enough to ask one of the men for directions to his office.

Inside the building that seems to house the offices, he walks down a hallway toward a young man who is dressed in the same type of uniform Hijikata wore when they met. He asks him for assistance. “Good afternoon, officer. Could you please direct me to the Vice Chief’s office?”

“Very funny, danna,” Sougo responds, in a bored tone. He motions behind himself with his head and says dryly, “I just came from there, so I’m sure he’s in the perfect mood to be seeing you.”

The Leukocyte King looks down the hallway and then nods in appreciation of the help.

As they walk away from each other, Sougo causally adds, “If you’re here to murder him, feel free to frame me. And if you’re here for something else, make sure to use protection, just in case being overbearing and uptight is transmitted sexually.”

That last comment makes the King stop in his tracks. It had not occurred to him that Hijikata might be spoken for, especially not by Sakata Gintoki, but it makes sense to him. It would explain both why Hijikata was so unreceptive to his advances and why Gintoki was jealous of the time he spent with Hijikata.

 

\------------------------------------

 

Hijikata sits in his office, doing paperwork, trying really hard not to think about Sakata Gintoki or anyone who looks like him. After sleeping on it, he realized he went completely overboard yesterday when he shoved Gintoki against a wall and then shoved his tongue down his throat. He’s doing tons of paperwork because he wants to avoid going outside and risk seeing that man again.

He’s annoyed with how low his pile of unreviewed reports is running. Sougo was supposed to bring him first squad’s reports, but instead, he showed up a minute ago, unapologetically stating they won’t be ready anytime today. Thus, Hijikata is relieved to hear a knock at his door, as he assumes it’s one of the other junior officers, dropping off paperwork for him to review. “Come in,” he says.

When the door slides open, revealing who’s behind it, Hijikata hastily puts out his cigarette, stands up, and rushes over to usher him out of the room. “What the hell, Yorozuya?! Get out of here!” When he gets closer, he can see that the man who just walked into the room looks a lot like Gintoki and is wearing Gintoki’s clothes, but it’s not Gintoki. He realizes there’s only one person this could be.

“Hello, Hijikata-san,” a human-sized Leukocyte King says.

Hijikata is stunned. He doesn’t know what to say. He slides the door shut, so they can speak privately.

“It is very good to see you again, Hijikata-san.”

Still in shock, Hijikata opens his mouth and forces words to come out. “Y-you too… But… How?”

“The same technology that shrank you was used to temporarily make me larger,” the King explains. “I came here to apologize again for the way I behaved toward you.” He steps up to Hijikata, gently takes his hand, and admits, “Actually, that’s not really why I’m here. I’m here because I have something I need to tell you. I realize you are already in a relationship with Sakata Gintoki, but--”

Hijikata interrupts him, sputtering, “In a r-relationship?! With that guy?! Are you crazy?!”

“I…” The Leukocyte King wishes he had gotten the name of the man he spoke with in the hallway. “I spoke with a young man just now, and he insinuated that you are in a sexual relationship with Sakata Gintoki.”

“S-se…?” Hijikata can’t even get the word ‘sexual’ to come out of his mouth, he’s so appalled. Who would have given him the idea he’s in a relationship with Yorozuya? He thinks for a couple seconds and realizes if the Leukocyte King spoke with the last person who was in his office, it would explain a lot. He asks, “Light brown hair, red eyes, eye shades on top of his head?”

The King nods.

“Sougo, you bastard,” Hijikata curses under his breath. “He was joking,” Hijikata explains, making a mental note to beat the shit out of Sougo later.

“I see,” the King says, letting out a relieved breath before continuing his thought, “I’m here because I want you to know how I really feel. I blamed the pornographic content for my acting like I’m fond of you, but the truth is, I _am_ very fond of you. I wish circumstances didn’t require us to live in different worlds. You are a wonderful, kind, honorable man, and whomever you choose to share your life with is an incredibly lucky person.”

That’s one of the most flattering things anyone has ever said to Hijikata. He’s floored. “Th-thank you…,” he responds breathlessly. His heart breaks a little as he thinks if it was possible, he might choose to share his life with the man standing in front of him.

The King laces the fingers of their joined hands and puts his other hand on the side of Hijikata’s face. Quietly, he asks, “May I have the honor of sharing one last kiss with you?”

There’s no way Hijikata would deny the request. He puts his hand on the back of the King’s neck, pulls him close, and says, “It would be my honor.”

Their lips come together gently. Their tongues become reacquainted. The two men share the slowest, hottest, most sensual kiss of Hijikata’s life.

Since this is the last time they will be together, Hijikata doesn’t hold back. He frees his hand from the King’s and uses both hands to skim fingertips across every bit of exposed skin, caressing the King’s face and neck. When the exposed skin is no longer enough, he slips a hand under the collar of that hideous zip-up shirt Yorozuya always wears, taking in the King’s strong, smooth shoulders and chest.

The King holds Hijikata close and runs fingers through his hair. The kiss goes on for a long time, and Hijikata is not complaining. He would almost be happy for it to last forever, but honestly, he’s too aroused to be content with just kissing. He breaks the kiss, catches his breath, and asks in a hushed voice, “Should I bring out the futon?”

To Hijikata’s dismay, the King takes a step back, breaking all physical contact between them. “I would love to continue, but I have to stop here, or else I might refuse to go back where I belong,” he says, with a sad smile.

The Leukocyte King has a strong sense of duty; Hijikata understands and respects this aspect of him. He’s sure he would do the same in his position. Hijikata nods and says, “I understand.”

The King steps forward, gives Hijikata a final soft kiss on the lips and says reluctantly, “Goodbye, Hijikata-san.”

Just as reluctantly, Hijikata says, “Goodbye.” His chest clenches as the man who unexpectedly captured a piece of his heart walks out of his office and out of his life.

 

\------------------------------------

 

A back-to-normal-size Gintoki, still dressed in the Leukocyte King’s clothes, stands in Gengai’s workshop, arms crossed, tapping his foot impatiently. When a human-sized Leukocyte King, dressed in Gintoki’s clothes, walks in, Gintoki scolds him, “You’re late!”

The King ignores him and begins disrobing.

“Hey!” Gintoki says confrontationally, stepping up to the King, “Don’t act like you get to go back to your day job without telling me what happened between you and Hijikata-kun first. That was our deal; I cover for you, and you tell me what the hell you did.”

The King glares at him for a moment, then takes a couple whiffs in his direction and says, “You ‘covered’ for me? You reek of alcohol; I’m sure you spent the whole time at the tavern.”

“I did not!” Gintoki defends himself.

“The casino, then,” the King guesses.

Gintoki narrows his eyes at him, refusing to either confirm or deny the truth.

When Gintoki refuses to back off, the King looks at him and says, “Give me back my clothes, and I’ll tell you what you want to know.”

Eager for information, Gintoki starts to disrobe.

Perhaps boasting a bit, or perhaps simply trying to start shit with the other man in the room, the King nonchalantly drops the intentionally-misleadingly-worded information, “Hijikata-san and I went on a long journey together and kept each other warm overnight.”

Gintoki stops in place, one leg still in the King’s pants and one out, not sure what to infer from the words ‘kept each other warm overnight.’

The King continues, “Once I felt we were near our objective of saving Tama-sama from the virus, I seized the opportunity and kissed him, because I knew he would leave as soon as Tama-sama was safe.”

Gintoki shakes the pants the rest of the way off his leg and glares at the King. He was under the impression the kiss only happened because the King was affected by the computer virus, but now it sounds like it was completely intentional; premeditated, even.

Having inherited some antagonistic nature from the man upon whom he was modeled, the King continues to push proverbial buttons. “And just now, I confessed my feelings to Hijikata-san and made out with him again.”

Gintoki’s eyes fill with rage. He took the King at his word when he said he was going to Hijikata to apologize for behaving like an idiot. To hear that the King instead made further advances on Hijikata makes Gintoki want the King to hurry up and get re-shrunk so he can squish him under his boot.

The King can tell Gintoki is insanely jealous. As much as he doesn’t want to hand Hijikata over to someone else, he trusts that Gintoki would treat him right, if only he wasn’t too much of a dumbass to figure out he even has feelings for him, much less do something intelligent about his feelings. The King is grateful he had the opportunity to tell Hijikata how he really feels about him, so he gives some advice to his thick-headed human counterpart. “You should tell him how you feel about him.”

“I don’t have _feelings_ for a demon with mayonnaise running through his veins!” Gintoki responds vehemently. He spent his time inside Tama thinking about the situation, and he determined the only reason he was acting jealous was because he wants a chance to prove to Hijikata he’s a better kisser than this anthropomorphized piece of anti-virus software.

“Of course you don’t,” the King says sarcastically, “and you’re not at all upset that I got to him first.”

Gintoki’s fists clench.

“And it wouldn’t bother you if the last thing I said to you before I went back inside Tama-sama was, ‘Enjoy my sloppy seconds, you worthless bastard.’”

Gintoki’s right fist connects with the King’s jaw.

The punch is hard enough that the King has to take a step backward in order to stay on his feet. He then gives a wry laugh under his breath. “That’s what I thought. Don’t worry; I won’t say that. I would never refer to Hijikata-san in such a derogatory way. I will instead say: I am going to have Tama-sama give me regular updates on Hijikata-san. If you hurt him, I will not hesitate to have her shrink you and swallow you, so I can kick your ass.”

Rather than exchange further words or blows with the King, Gintoki grits his teeth. The two men exchange clothes and re-dress in silence.

Once he finishes re-dressing in his own clothes, not wanting to leave things on a sour note, the King says sincerely, “Thank you for taking care of Tama-sama, brother.”

Gintoki responds by knitting his brow and grunting, before he also starts feeling bad about the confrontational atmosphere. He finishes putting his boots on, walks over to the King, extends a hand, and says, “You too, brother.”

They shake hands, and Gintoki decides to take his leave. It’s hard work being a mature adult who isn’t jealous of the digital version of a blood cell, and he’s exhausted.

As he walks out the front door of the workshop, Gengai and Tama walk in the back door. Tama says, “Thank you, Gintoki-sama. See you in a few days for the rest of your rent.”

He waves an acknowledgment over his shoulder and groans at the prospect of being violently awoken by her again.

 

\------------------------------------

 

Gintoki gives the King’s words about telling Hijikata how he feels about him additional thought, and he decides he was right from the start, and the King was full of shit. He has no feelings for Hijikata; he only acted jealous because he wanted a chance to prove the Leukocyte King is _not_ a better kisser than he is.

Admittedly, it kind of bothers him that it seems the King and Hijikata have a connection far beyond anything he and Hijikata have ever had. Why Hijikata would fall for that other guy and not for him is beyond Gintoki. _He’s_ the genuine article, the one-and-only Yorozuya Gin-chan. _He’s_ the main character of a _JUMP_ series! The Leukocyte King exists as nothing more than proof of how great he is. Sure, the King might seem more serious and mature, and he might have a real, full-time job, but that doesn’t make him _better_.

If Hijikata is going to fall for a guy who looks like Sakata Gintoki, he should just fall for Sakata Gintoki. Not that Gintoki _wants_ Hijikata to fall for him, of course, because he definitely _does not_ have feelings for him; It’s simply his opinion that he’s the better option.

 

\------------------------------------

 

Seventeen days later, Gintoki executes the plan he concocted while he was inside Tama. His brilliant plan involves stalking Hijikata on his day off, getting Hijikata to buy him a parfait, and repaying Hijikata’s behavior from the alley a few weeks ago, by shoving him up against a wall and proving he's a great kisser. He would have executed the plan sooner, but he was delayed by Hijikata working for two-and-a-half weeks straight, without taking any time off.

Gintoki follows Hijikata to the movie theater, swallowing all his pride as he purchases a ticket to the live-action movie adaptation of the _Tomoe 5000_ anime.

Hijikata relaxes into his seat in the movie theater, exhausted after having worked seventeen days in a row. He refused to take time off work because anytime he finds himself with a free moment, his mind goes to the Leukocyte King. Before he realized it, he had fallen hard for him. He wonders why he couldn’t fall for a normal man or woman, instead of for a tiny non-human who lives inside a robot and also looks just like a former Joui terrorist who sometimes serves as the funny-man to his straight-man routine. Hopefully, the movie will keep his mind off him.

Now that he’s here, he’s glad Kondou made him take the day off. The live-action _Tomoe 5000_ movie is near the end of its theatrical run, and the remnants of a hardcore otaku that live on inside him insisted that he see this, if for no other reason than to point out all the ways it fails to live up to the original. He scowls when Gintoki sits down next to him in the back row of the theater.

There are maybe a half-dozen other people there, likely all weirdos, Gintoki notes, given that they're seeing a live-action anime adaptation in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week. As the previews start, he whispers to Hijikata, “I hope this is better than the live-action _Shingeki no Kyojin_ movie _._ ”

“Shut up,” Hijikata whispers back.

“Can you believe they didn’t even have a Captain Levi character?” Gintoki complains, in a whisper, “It’s a wonder they got anyone to see the second part of the movie, after how much of a dumpster fire the first part was.”

“Shut up, Yorozuya!” Hijikata whisper-yells.

“Hey, Hijikata-kun, take me out for a parfait after the movie,” Gintoki begs quietly, leaning his face into Hijikata’s and batting his eyelashes at him.

Hijikata gives up on whispering and responds in a raised voice, “Fine! Whatever! Just shut the hell up, before I castrate you!”

Hijikata’s yelling elicits glares from the handful of fellow movie-goers and a satisfied smirk from Gintoki.

The previews end, and the movie starts. At first, Gintoki behaves himself, watching quietly, enticed by the reward of a free parfait. But the movie is boring as hell. Ten minutes in, Gintoki is officially not paying attention to it.

Twenty minutes in, he’s bored enough to take a good look at the person sitting next to him. He hadn't noticed before, but Hijikata's face isn't hard on the eyes, except for when he's stuffing it with disgusting globs of mayonnaise. It’s no wonder he's on so many _Gintama_ DVD covers. His body isn't bad, either. Gintoki doesn't mind running into him at the bathhouse, because he improves the scenery considerably when he's there. He has a sexy voice, too, when he isn't ranting like a stick-in-the-mud straight-man.

Thirty minutes in, Gintoki is bored enough to start thinking about Hijikata’s character traits. As much as Gintoki is no fan of the bakufu, he appreciates how dedicated Hijikata is to the Shinsengumi. He rarely takes days off. He’s loyal to his gorilla boss. His men call him a demon, and rightly so, but he has their respect. On the frequent occasions when Kondou is too busy stalking a terrifying cabaret girl, Hijikata is the de facto leader.

Gintoki is a little surprised by how many good things he found to say about someone he bickers with every time he sees him. Thinking back on all the time they’ve spent together, he’s forced to admit they are… _gasp_ …friends? Friends?! How crazy! He had no idea there would come a day where he would consider a nicotine-and-mayonnaise-addicted, part-time-otaku, government-lap-dog a ‘friend.’

Forty-five minutes into the boring-ass movie, Gintoki looks over at Hijikata again, and this time, something truly horrifying happens. He thinks Hijikata wouldn't be the worst person he could wake up next to every morning.

With that thought, Gintoki sits up straight in his seat and breaks out into a flop sweat. Did he really just consider what it would be like to share a bed with Hijikata…to share a _life_ with Hijikata?! And did he determine that he wouldn't mind it?!!

Holy shit! The Leukocyte King was right; He has feelings for Hijikata.

The realization invalidates the rest of his plan. He won’t be satisfied, even if he proves himself the better kisser. He is going to need to do something more complicated, like… well, he doesn’t know what. Maybe confessing or something??

The thought of confessing to having feelings for Hijikata terrifies him more than the thought of confessing to war crimes and being executed. He weighs all his options, from leaving the theater to leaving the planet.

An hour into the movie, overwhelmed by the daunting task of acting on his feelings, he makes a new plan. He decides to ignore his aberrant thought about Hijikata. He will pretend they never kissed and drop the idea of trying to kiss him again. He will go back to simply exchanging mostly-friendly banter when they cross paths, like they’ve always done.

However, as the movie nears its end, he loses confidence in his new plan. He knows himself well enough to know that he will eventually do something stupid about the feelings he apparently has for the man sitting next to him. As long as he’s going to end up doing something stupid, he would rather get it over with. As the credits roll and the other theater patrons file out, he leans over, puts a hand on the back of Hijikata’s head, and kisses him.

Hijikata kisses back at first, but then he pushes away. He blushes furiously, looking in any direction but at the man next to him. After a minute, he asks, in a way that sounds like he's not sure he really wants the answer, “Why?”

Gintoki huffs and says, “Who knows? It’s not like I wanted to fall for an ill-tempered guy like you.”

A confession is the last thing Hijikata expected to hear from Gintoki. He assumed Gintoki was only here to annoy him and get a free parfait. With wide, terrified eyes, Hijikata stares at Gintoki for a few moments, before he realizes he owes the man a reply. “I…um, I like that, um… _other_ guy…,” he responds weakly, his words trailing off into a mumble as he specifies, “that looks like you.”

Gintoki is irritated to confirm Hijikata really did choose an inferior copy over the real deal. He thinks Hijikata would have a hard time saying anything else irritating with a second tongue in his mouth, so he proceeds to put a hand on Hijikata's thigh, lean forward into his personal space, and kiss him again.

Hijikata wonders if this idiot didn’t hear him say he likes someone else or if he just doesn’t care. He tries to push away again, but the grip of the hand on his thigh, coupled with fingers twisting into his hair, stop him.

Gintoki is intoxicated by the taste of Hijikata’s mouth. He has had its taste stuck on his tongue every moment for the past few weeks. He thought maybe if they kissed again, he could get it out of his system, like getting rid of a song that’s stuck in your head by listening to it, but instead, he wants more. He can’t think about anything else.

Hijikata’s second kiss with the Leukocyte King was slow and sensual, but thanks to Gintoki’s insistent plying of tongue on tongue, this kiss is deep and wet. He won’t admit it if asked, but it’s at least in the top three of the best kisses of his lifetime.

The hand on Hijikata's thigh moves steadily inward and upward, and suddenly he can hardly think coherently enough to recall his own name. Now that his conscious brain is no longer functioning properly, he subconsciously follows Gintoki’s lead, putting one hand on his thigh and the other at the base of the head full of silver hair.

The hand that has been creeping its way toward Hijikata's crotch is now dangerously close to its destination. He silently thanks whichever deity is responsible for the fact that this is happening in the back row of a dark, empty theater, rather than somewhere he’d be more likely to get caught with the raging hard-on he’s developing. Thinking it’s unfair for him to be the only one with a boner, he continues to mirror Gintoki's movements, sliding his hand up Gintoki’s inner thigh.

The credits finish rolling, and the house lights come on. A theater employee comes in to clean, and the two samurai break apart at the speed of light, putting on the appearance of two well-behaved adults who are keeping their hands to themselves and therefore obviously _not_ mere seconds from giving each other hand jobs in public.

Hijikata makes a small gesture toward the exit and says guiltily, “We should…”

“Yeah,” Gintoki quickly agrees.

They step out of the theater and start walking down the street.

Gintoki is too curious not to ask. “You still think he’s a better kisser than I am?”

Hijikata blushes, embarrassed by what he just did and reluctant to insult the man with an honest answer. “Um…Yes?”

Gintoki gives an exaggerated hand gesture of a stab to the heart and whines, “Make up for hurting Gin-san’s feelings with that parfait you owe me, Hijikata-kun.”

Hijikata ignores him. After a minute of them continuing to walk down the street side-by-side, Hijikata furrows his brow and asks, “Are you following me?”

“No. Are _you_ following _me_?”

“No!”

A couple minutes later, they glare at each other as they stand in front of the bathhouse.

Gintoki breaks the silence with a taunt. “I bet I can stay in the sauna longer than you can.”

Ninety minutes later, fellow customers express concern to the owner over how long two men have been sitting in the sauna, bickering. When the owner asks them to leave the sauna, they each stubbornly refuse to be the first to leave. The owner kicks them out of the bathhouse entirely, citing the damage it would inflict on his business' reputation to have a cop and an unemployed man die of overheating and dehydration in his sauna.

Twenty minutes after that, Gintoki and Hijikata enjoy a parfait and a coffee with mayonnaise, respectively.

Gintoki does something he never would have dreamed of doing prior to a few hours ago. He asks, “Do you want to go see the live-action movie adaptation of the _Gintaman_ manga when it comes out next week? I hear they got Oguri Shun for the lead.”

Confused, Hijikata asks, “You want to go somewhere together? On purpose?”

Giving Hijikata the dead-fish-eye look, Gintoki answers, “That’s how dates usually work, Oogushi-kun.”

Hijikata takes a drawn-out sip of mayo-coffee so he can hide behind his coffee cup and hands. He can’t tell what his own face is involuntarily doing in response to being asked out on a date, and he doesn't want to respond until he figures it out.

An awkward amount of time passes. As much as Hijikata might like to walk away and act like today never happened, he knows he can't. He has to respond to the invitation. He can’t hide behind his coffee cup forever. He turns his full attention to ascertaining the current state of his countenance. To his horror, he finds he’s smiling. He forces a neutral look into place, sets his coffee cup down, and says, in as uninterested-sounding a tone as possible, “Sure, I guess.”

The worry Hijikata had after he kissed Gintoki in the alley a few weeks ago has come full-circle; He definitely traded one problem for another. He would scream in terror at the prospect of dating Yorozuya, but when he looks across the table at Gintoki, he thinks there are worse problems he could have than a decent guy being interested in him.

But he still likes the Leukocyte King better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and for putting up with how much of a slow-ass I am at getting things done.
> 
> My apologies for the double blue balls in this chapter, but some asshole (me) didn't have the foresight to give this thing higher than a T rating.


End file.
